Tragic Hero

It seems my thoughts have brought me back to this place once again. A place where their slow release is the only alternative to an unpredictable eruption. Today I'm filled with the fear a child has when he is lost from his mother. His whole identity is still tied to their bond, which he is unable to restore. He must be found. The fear builds with every second apart, until all that is left is a frantic, instinctual panic.

Unfortunately, my problem is increased. I do not know what I'm lost from. Perhaps some would say that I've strayed too far from my Christian beliefs that I was raised with, and still prevail my subconscious. Or, perhaps I am just destined to follow the fate of the tragic hero, though I'm not sure I deserve such an epithet. No, my tragedy prevents me from rising to a heroic level, high enough to fall to a complete destruction, which is another tragedy all together, because in this way I can rise and fall as much as time allows me.

A frustration builds inside of me, because I seem incapable of normal interaction. I've gotten better at masking myself, but it seems inevitable that people eventually see what I am, though I'm not even sure if I know what that is. My masking is only a simple hand trick, perfected, and made more elaborate over time, but if you see a trick enough times you will eventually see through it.

So, you ask who I am? I am a selfish, conceitedly charming man with little regards for himself. I value others far above myself, and yet still believe my self to be better than nearly everyone I see. I am incapable of understanding love on an individual basis, but have mastered it in a universal sense. I long for peace and serenity, but feed on chaos. I love only for my own fulfillment. I've adapted to live in short term pleasures and emotions in an effort to feel something beside the pain brought on by my inadequate ability to love, and therefore be loved.

Confusion is all that fills my head. Life is really so simple, but everyone seems to believe it to be so complicated. I feel as though I am trying to explain sight to a man blind from birth. Or perhaps I am that man.

My experience is that as soon as people are old enough to know better, they don't know anything at all.
-Oscar Wilde

Freedom?

"To be entirely free, and at the same time entirely dominated by law is the eternal paradox of human life"

~Oscar Wilde

So, what then is freedom? Is it merely an illusive ideal or can it be defined practically? In the words of Kenny Lofton, "Both." 

We could all define freedom differently, but the resonating theme is that we are all chasing our own version of Utopia. My brother is perhaps the extreme to this, and sometimes gives me a good illustration of what it may have been like talking to a Nazi in 1940. His Utopia is just that, a "super-race" of the best minds, athletes, and visionaries, working together in perfect harmony, eco-friendly houses that somehow defy physics and give back more energy than they use without emitting carbon. I think you get the picture. My point is that most of us are not chasing the classical Upton Sinclair Utopia.

After watching the movie/documentary "We Live In Public" I realized that by creating an idea of Utopia we are really just attempting to control the box in which we live. I watched the subject of the documentary systematically increase the size of his "box," carefully maintaining control until it reached an uncontrollable size, at which point he would self destruct only to begin again. 

What I found most enlightening was that he was most fulfilled in life when his box remained at a small, controllable level. As his wealth and fame grows throughout the movie his fulfillment from it decrease.

This concept is perhaps best illustrated in the rise and fall of empires as the process is almost in slow motion allowing us to analyze it easier. Every Empire has begun with a community of diverse, smaller entities working together with commonality. As the community becomes more systematic, and the parts become indistinguishable the Empire immediately begins to decline. While it's greatness may carry over for a time, it inevitably becomes too large to control until it crumbles from within.

Think of it this way, if you are holding 45lbs, and you start adding 5lbs at a time. Eventually, that weight is going to be too heavy for you to hold. Let's say at 95lbs you give in. Are you likely to drop all 95lbs, or are you just going to drop the last 5lbs and keep holding the other 90lbs? Obviously, you are going to drop it all. You have been overwhelmed.

So, if I'm telling you the only way to be fulfilled is to shrink your box you're probably wondering, how some people can be happy with Millions of dollars while others are miserable? It's this simple, they are allowing the money to work for them; not trying to control it. They are living in a community, rather than an empire, where everyone and everything is equally and vitally important. 

You are only able to control your own contribution within the community, not the overall direction of the community. We are often mislead when we only see the finished product, and are naturally led to think that the skin is holding everything together. Its what we see, and it is in contact with every part of the body. It's a perfectly logical conclusion, until you have the opportunity to look inside. Now you can see that is the smaller parts working together to support the skin. 

Life is a fluid body in which our position is never certain. Freedom then, is not our ability to control the body, but rather our ability to flow through it.

"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as in being able to remake  ourselves."

~Gandhi

Dog Pile

So, I was thinking the other day, what's the difference in wasting my money on a "Get Rich Now" scam or the promise of a middle class life after education? I'll tell you, the first one is less expensive.

Obviously, both have their success stories, or they wouldn't have any substantial claim. But, when it comes down to it all you are doing is picking a dog pile to invest your time and money into, with the hopes that if you can just get the football (success) you'll be happy and content.

Is the "football" what we are really after? In the "Get Rich Now" scenario, there is a chance for anything from total lose to mediocre gain to absolute success. Many of these in the past have been based on buying and selling real-estate, so let's run with that. There was a giant heap of people (or dog pile) trying their hand at real-estate during it's peak. The competition was high, and the rewards were even higher for those who made it to the football.

Now let's look at the standard college education. I'm a Mechanical Engineering Major, so I'll go with that. Getting an engineering degree is not as easy as reading a 90 page book on buying and selling property, the investment is higher, and the reward is lower. It should be clear that the competition will not be as great in this scenario.

I've watched countless people sell themselves to the slavery that if they work hard enough they will eventually make it to the bottom of the dog pile and find their success. And, so, they work countless hours for little or no advancement, and that is what's expected of them.

But, how great is it to really make it to the bottom of the of the dog pile? Think about it. You now have the weight of everyone else on top of you with your back exposed. You've gotten your success, but you can't do anything with it down there; you can't even move. Not to mention you now have a giant target on your back, and everyone has easy access to it. A man can only survive so long with that sort of punishment.

When I was in ROTC we played rugby once after class. It quickly turned into a game where the pile would just inch one way or the other toward the end zone much like an evenly matched game of tug-of-war. It became apparent to me that if I just waited outside of the dog pile the ball would inevitable pop out in the ensuing struggle, at which point I would pick it up and score.

Similarly, I feel like everyone feels that the only way to get the ball is to be king of the pile. I'd just like to wait outside and see if I can't pick up the ball when it pops out. People always talk about never having their "lucky break," but the problem is that they never wait for it.

Live freely, even if you must live modestly you are still living richer than those fools piling on each other. None of them can enjoy what ever they have managed to grab from the pile, because they always have someone else's knee in their back.

Earlier I questioned if anyone knew what they were really after at the bottom of the dog pile. The answer is the means to be free. It's not the money, the power, or authority, but it's the illusion that with all of those they will finally be able to control their environment. (I'll talk about that more in another blog.)

"In the long run men hit only what they aim at" - Henry David Thoreau

Detachment

I've never been  the blogging type, but I figure I'll give it a shot. Everyone tells me that I have a unique, even crazy perspective on life, so you may want to see why.

Today wasn't the first time, but I realized that I truly have no close relationships. I've always done my own thing as long as I can remember despite what everyone else was doing, and sometimes in spite of what everyone else was doing. Despite my confidence--and yes, if you don't know me I am very happy with who I am and what I am; I love myself--I've never really been sure where I belong.

I have two older brothers, and when we were younger we had two cousins--both their age--that we would often spend time with. Naturally, the my oldest cousin and my oldest brother were best friends, and similarly with my other brother and cousin. The match-up would switch from time to time, but the fact always remained that I was the floater, or third wheel. When one pair was doing something that I didn't care for I hung out with the other.

This has carried over into every aspect of my life since. I've always been able to nudge my way into any social circle, and people generally love me upon first impressions. I was even unfortunate enough to be the first of my "friends" (more like close acquaintances by convenience) to turn 21, so I was often at the bars alone. But, without fail I would always leave with a new circle of friends.

However, after the first impressions things begin to get a little uncomfortable. Everyone else has known each other for long periods of time, and once again I'm just a third wheel. I don't really care to be close to people. In fact, I'm quit content just having occasional company with the people of my choosing. But, there is a problem with that, because while I may have a friend for every situation, I don't have one for every time. There isn't always someone to fall back on when I need them.

For instance, I used to be a very physical person, and it's still important to me, but I'm incapable of developing a relationship with someone. Like I said before, I am great with first impressions, and can get a date with nearly anyone I choose; I look good, and I'm great on paper. I'm often a fall-back guy for girls in their rebound (and no I've never sought them out in that state). I am truly incapable of getting close to someone. Before you say that's not true let me explain further. I have never been on a third date, my circle of friends is dependent completely on who I see regularly, and I have never been upset by a funeral (I lost one of my "best friends" from high school by suicide), not even a tear shed.

I am not at all unhappy with my state of detachment. In fact I find it very freeing. I can't imagine being tied down in any direction. I will admit that I feel lonely every now and then, but who doesn't? While most people will confide in their friends, I confide in myself. There my sadness and failures are turned to a motivation unrivaled.

"Passions are like a reflex, they only move us when we stop flexing."

So the question that I pose is this: Am I right to stay detached, to manage and control my emotions and my reactions to them? Am I leading an unhealthy life? Most would say from looking at me that I am a successful man. Is that in spite of my emotional detachment? I tend to think that I have found a better, more fulfilling way to live, and dare I say more socially responsible. I do not rely on the constant effort of others to keep me sane, happy, successful, and anything else you may use your friends for.

Gandhi said, "In matters of morality, the truth is never found in the majority."