Detachment

I've never been  the blogging type, but I figure I'll give it a shot. Everyone tells me that I have a unique, even crazy perspective on life, so you may want to see why.

Today wasn't the first time, but I realized that I truly have no close relationships. I've always done my own thing as long as I can remember despite what everyone else was doing, and sometimes in spite of what everyone else was doing. Despite my confidence--and yes, if you don't know me I am very happy with who I am and what I am; I love myself--I've never really been sure where I belong.

I have two older brothers, and when we were younger we had two cousins--both their age--that we would often spend time with. Naturally, the my oldest cousin and my oldest brother were best friends, and similarly with my other brother and cousin. The match-up would switch from time to time, but the fact always remained that I was the floater, or third wheel. When one pair was doing something that I didn't care for I hung out with the other.

This has carried over into every aspect of my life since. I've always been able to nudge my way into any social circle, and people generally love me upon first impressions. I was even unfortunate enough to be the first of my "friends" (more like close acquaintances by convenience) to turn 21, so I was often at the bars alone. But, without fail I would always leave with a new circle of friends.

However, after the first impressions things begin to get a little uncomfortable. Everyone else has known each other for long periods of time, and once again I'm just a third wheel. I don't really care to be close to people. In fact, I'm quit content just having occasional company with the people of my choosing. But, there is a problem with that, because while I may have a friend for every situation, I don't have one for every time. There isn't always someone to fall back on when I need them.

For instance, I used to be a very physical person, and it's still important to me, but I'm incapable of developing a relationship with someone. Like I said before, I am great with first impressions, and can get a date with nearly anyone I choose; I look good, and I'm great on paper. I'm often a fall-back guy for girls in their rebound (and no I've never sought them out in that state). I am truly incapable of getting close to someone. Before you say that's not true let me explain further. I have never been on a third date, my circle of friends is dependent completely on who I see regularly, and I have never been upset by a funeral (I lost one of my "best friends" from high school by suicide), not even a tear shed.

I am not at all unhappy with my state of detachment. In fact I find it very freeing. I can't imagine being tied down in any direction. I will admit that I feel lonely every now and then, but who doesn't? While most people will confide in their friends, I confide in myself. There my sadness and failures are turned to a motivation unrivaled.

"Passions are like a reflex, they only move us when we stop flexing."

So the question that I pose is this: Am I right to stay detached, to manage and control my emotions and my reactions to them? Am I leading an unhealthy life? Most would say from looking at me that I am a successful man. Is that in spite of my emotional detachment? I tend to think that I have found a better, more fulfilling way to live, and dare I say more socially responsible. I do not rely on the constant effort of others to keep me sane, happy, successful, and anything else you may use your friends for.

Gandhi said, "In matters of morality, the truth is never found in the majority."